I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
