The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize