corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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