Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
