My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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