They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
