When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
