I just cut my nipple shaving
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
