I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
