Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
