Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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