dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
