I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
