I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
