If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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