Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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