there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
