She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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