if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He felt like a one man threesome
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize