Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
