We won't sleep together?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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