Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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