I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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