I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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