I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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