i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
