Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
farters have to be the big spoon...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
