after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
organizing the empties. That sober.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
