Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She bit a glass in half.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
