I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
