the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
