the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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