Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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