If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
