you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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