im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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