Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
