she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
