he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
