saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
