i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
