So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
