I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
