a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
