last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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