3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
