we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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