I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
God, I missed his penis.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
