My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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