I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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