AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
