sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
