thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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