I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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