I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
