My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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