Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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