yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think I have vodka in my lungs
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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