I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
