There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
