So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
