Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
