I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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